“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…”
Stop right there, Thomas Jefferson.
There’s Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne, and then there’s the rest of humanity.
It’s an undeniable hierarchy that has slowly made its way to the core of the friendship between CFB founders Jordan Shusterman and Jake Mintz. Two unbelievable female vocal sensations, forever linked by the intense bond of both having happened to have their careers take off in the year 2002. Their musical styles aren’t even that similar but who even cares because this is a big deal and you should pay attention to it. We are both in complete acceptance that each other’s favorite is an amazing musician/strong independent woman/human being/representative of Earth. However, we would like to take the time to try and convince you, the reader, which one is better.
Jake is a devoted Kelly Clarkson enthusiast; when he’s not spamming the news feeds of innocent facebookers with his not-so-subtle Spotify endeavors, you can probably find him belting “The Trouble With Love Is” in his adorable little red Accord. His workout playlist consists of Kelly and Kelly only, and he has no shame in admitting that. It’s a complex obsession that is genuine and full of #want.
Jordan has always proclaimed his love for Avril, often citing her incredible peak as one of the many reasons for such intense interest in her musical works of art. Recently spotted faintly singing the greatest hits from Avril’s legendary debut album “Let Go” at 4 AM at a New Year’s party, Jordan is always happy to spread Avril fever to anyone and everyone in his vicinity (or in that case, those who were still awake).
That’s just some background. This is only the beginning. What follows is an in-depth look at what this completely made-up rivalry truly consists of.
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We will present our own case, as well as provide .gifs because this is the internet and what is an article without .gifs? Let’s start with some simple comparisons.
FULL NAME:
Kelly: Kelly Brianne Clarkson
Avril: Avril Ramona Lavigne
BIRTHDAY/AGE:
Kelly: April 24th, 1982. 30 years old.
Avril: September 27th, 1984. 28 years old.
BIRTHPLACE:
Kelly: Fort Worth, Texas, THESE United States of America
Avril: Belleville, Ontario, OHHHHHHHHH Canada
IS SHE TALLER THAN JOSE ALTUVE?
Kelly: Yeah, not even close.
Avril: Probably.
DOES SHE WEIGH MORE THAN DEE GORDON?
Kelly: Almost definitely
Avril: Maybe
MOST FLATTERING .GIFS:
Kelly:
Avril:
LEAST FLATTERING .GIF:
Kelly:
Avril:
APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS:
Kelly: 99.2 million results
Avril: 89.8 million results
APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF YOUTUBE SEARCH RESULTS:
Kelly: 299,000 results
Avril: 404,000 results
NUMBER OF VEVO SUBSCRIBERS (AS OF 2/20/13):
Kelly: 389,706 subscribers
Avril: 1,394,477 subscribers
NUMBER OF VEVO VIEWS (AS OF 2/20/13):
Kelly: 350,413,018 views
Avril: 965,509,524 views
WIKIPEDIA WORD COUNT:
Kelly: 5910 words
Avril: 7239 words
NUMBER OF WIKIPEDIA CITATIONS:
Kelly: 120 citations
Avril: 175 citations
PANDORA RADIO BIOGRAPHY WORD COUNT:
Kelly: 743 words
Avril: 71o words
NUMBER OF ALBUMS:
Kelly: 5
Avril: 4
NUMBER OF SINGLES:
Kelly: 25
Avril: 17
NUMBER OF MUSIC VIDEOS:
Kelly: 24
Avril: 20
MOST RIDICULOUS LYRIC:
Kelly:
“And I may not be Einstein but I know,
Dumb plus dumb equals you.
Dumb plus dumb equals you.”
~ “Einstein (2011)”
Avril:
“I hate it when a guy doesn’t understand,
Why a certain time of month, I don’t wanna hold his hand.”
~ “The Best Damn Thing (2007)”
Kelly:
Avril:
CLAIM TO FAME:
Kelly: Winning the first season of American Idol
Avril: Being a rebellious 17 year old who wrote a song about things being complicated
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Kelly: Engaged to Brandon Blackstock (Stepson of Reba McEntire)
Avril: Engaged to Chad Kroeger (Lead singer of Nickelback)
PAST RELATIONSHIPS:
Kelly: None that are known of publicly.
Avril: 2006-2009: Married to Deryck Whibley, lead singer and guitarist of the band Sum 41 (questionable Y in the first name; probably distantly related to Jayson and Laynce Nix). Dated professional celebrity Brody Jenner from 2010 to early 2012.
WAS SHE ON “SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH”?
Kelly: Yes, as an extra in one scene. You can see her walk by in the .gif below. Watch closely.
Avril: Yes, as herself. She performed “Sk8er Boi”.
GOOGLE IMAGE RESULTS WHEN ADDING THE WORD “BASEBALL”:
We’ve already covered Avril’s first pitch endeavors, but what’s striking here are the two teams represented. The Rangers and the Blue Jays were reportedly the finalists for one special Japanese pitcher by the name of YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (Crank that Soulja Boy) Darvish. It’s evidenced by this MLBTradeRumors update from 12/11/11. While the Rangers eventually ended up with Darvish, it’s clear that this rivalry has taken itself far beyond the world of CFB. It’s real, people.
What does Yu think of all this?
“baseball very good”
Ooooooooooooooooooooookay then. Moving on.
BASEBALL PLAYER WHOSE NAME IS MOST SIMILAR:
Kelly: Dad (?!?!) Clarkson, RHP for the 1891 New York Giants
Avril: Art LaVigne, C/1B for the 1914 Buffalo Buffeds
FAVORITE CEREAL:
Kelly: Cocoa Puffs
Avril: Cocoa Pebbles
LEAST FAVORITE COUNTY IN WYOMING:
Kelly: Washakie County (Population: 8,289)
Avril: Niobrara County (Population: 2,407)
THE TOOLS:
Kelly: 8 Raw Vocals, 4 Weight Control, 4 Hair, 6 Depression, + Durability
Avril: 5 Raw Vocals, 8 Sadness, 8 Depression, 7 Hair, Maturity an Issue
IS SHE LIKELY TO READ THIS?
Kelly: No
Avril: No
MAJOR LEAGUE ETA:
Kelly: Never
Avril: Never
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CONCLUSION
Jake (Kelly): Kelly Clarkson has lived a life. She rose to the top of the music world only to fall back into the abyss only to climb back out of said abyss back to the top. Her voice has cured disease, put gang wars on hold, and raised both the roof and the debt ceiling. Avril’s best songs (Sk8r Boi, Complicated, and I’m With You) are very good. Kelly has at least 10 songs in that same echelon of loveliness. (Breakaway, Since U Been Gone, Behind These Hazel Eyes, Because of You, Walk Away, Mrs. Independent, A Moment Like This, Stronger, The Trouble With Love Is, and Catch My Breath)
Let me leave you with one last point. If you google “Kelly Clarkson America” you will get this as the top video result. If you were to click on that video you would watch a simple farm girl from Oklahoma turn the Presidential Inauguration into her own personal reclamation concert. Imagine Avril trying to command that moment. She’d wilt like a flower. Those 3 minutes and 16 seconds exemplify what Kelly Clarkson is all about: stage presence, untouchable vocal talent, and pure grace.
Jordan (Avril): It’s incredibly difficult to dispute Kelly’s accolades and accomplishments, so I’m gonna avoid blatantly bashing one of our generation’s more talented musical superstars. However, what Kelly lacks is the true cult following that Avril developed in the early stages of her momentous career. It was a lifestyle that defined a generation of angsty teenage girls that just wanted to wear a tie, break something, or attempt to ride a skateboard. So why, do you ask, am I, a male high school senior, so committed to Avril being superior? It’s about the peak. It’s about her debut album “Let Go” which was released when she was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, selling over 16 million copies. It’s about the range of moods that Avril so beautifully expresses through anthems such as “Sk8er Boi” and “Girlfriend”.
“You know that I’m a crazy bitch/ I do what I want when I feel like it”, Avril proclaims in the beginning of her smash hit 2011 single “Smile”. It’s true. She does do what she wants when she feels like it. And sometimes, she feels like writing something a little more serious; a heartbreaking masterpiece entitled “When You’re Gone”. You go watch that music video and try and tell me that all Avril cares about is fucking shit up and “going on a million dates”. The amount of emotions that Avril’s music pulls out of any casual listener is unmatched.
Kelly Clarkson is an amazing singer. Her most successful song, “Breakaway”, is a must-listen for me for pretty much any occasion. Oh, what’s that ? IT WAS WRITTEN BY AVRIL LAVIGNE ?! I rest my case.
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SO…WHO WINS?
We all do.
The human race has been blessed with these two unbearably fantastic singers. It’s the debate that keeps their legends alive. Make your voice heard. Ask yourself daily: Kelly or Avril? The American Idol sensation whose vocals have carried her to great heights for over a decade? Or the Canadian icon who once beat up a guy in a hot dog costume?
You know the right choice.
#CFB
